3 Steps Back

My Thoughts and Feelings:
I can shed tears over the fact that I came home without my sweet little boy, or I can be thankful that he is in the NICU and under the care of skilled doctors and nurses--which is exactly where he needs to be right now.

I can wish that our holidays would have been "merrier" and that my family could have been together, or I can choose to be thankful for the gift of my sweet little boy and precious little girl and all of our family and friends that have held our hands and given all the words and encouragement we need.

I can stress out about leaving Saige at different places every day so we can go to the hospital, or I can be thankful that she is being loved by grandparents and friends and getting to know them even better.

I can feel like a bad mom for multiple reasons (like not feeling strong enough or not spending enough time with Saige or Asher, feeling like it's my fault Asher came early even though there is no explanation), or I can be thankful for the blessings of children and pray for strength and wisdom to raise them to be amazing.

Asher Dale: Strength to Grow, to Learn

As the doctors had warned many times, our journey in the NICU would be a roller coaster ride. I had been feeling so confident for a while that we were going to skip that ride and just sail through this and go home in record time. I guess that was me being wishful and hopeful, all of things I still am but now I am having to adjust to being on the roller coaster. The last few days have been trying but luckily Andy was here with me to talk with the doctors. With him by my side I am much better at holding it together and not breaking down in front of the staff, I am able to hold it in until they get to the door.

Day 27-29 have turned out to be quite trying for our sweet boy. Friday they had been concerned that he might be getting an infections due to the increased episodes of Apnea but all his blood tests came back negative but were scheduled to re-test on Saturday morning. They also changed out all of his CPAP tubing and such, which seemed to causing some water to back up and go into his nose. This seemed to help his episodes quite a bit; everything seemed more mechanical as opposed to him being sick. Asher blood tests on Saturday showed an increase that he might be getting an infection. Too take precautious measures they started him on 2 different anti-biotics, which was heart breaking to see him now have IVs back in is little body, I was very glad they decide to start them just in case as opposed to watching the levels for a bit. His tummy was also starting to get very bloated and he was not digesting his food as well as he was previously, this could also be a sign of an infection. The decision was made to stop all feedings and start him on IV fluids and nutrients. During this time he also lost 2 oz, that may not seem like a lot but at this point every weight gain is SOOO important and we are far from packing on the pounds at this point. But as the weekend came to an end and my tears dried up, Asher also proved to be the little fighter that we have been thinking he was.

Day 30 was a much better day, but Asher’s red blood cell count was down pretty low. Not low enough to transfuse him but if it went down anymore that would be the next step. Asher’s uncle was ready to give him blood if needed so Asher would not have to get a strangers blood (amazing family we have, so lucky). Our doctor ordered for another lab test on Tuesday checking these levels again, Asher had increased his red blood cell count by over 2pts and so he would not need the transfusion. It was VERY encouraging when Dr B, who is not the touchy feely kind, told me that in majority of preemies born as early as Asher they expect to see infections and blood transfusions at least once if not many times. But he keeps surprising us all!

Day 31 & 32 have been VERY good days. Asher has had less apnea and has even gained some weight without mommy’s food; he is now tipping the scale at 2lbs 13.7oz. I really am having a 3lb party, no joke!! Since things have been going so well Doctor decided to slowly restart his feedings again, my hope is that by the weekend we can hold him again. We have not been able to hold him in over and week, such a heart breaking experience to not be able to hold your newborn but I know they know so I do my best to make the most of it. I spend most days sitting next to his isolate with the lid cracked talking to him and rubbing his back, legs, hands or head. He has really started to take on more traits of an actual newborn, making sweet little noises and is even crying louder and with more umph~ what mommy says she LOVES to hear her baby cry?? Weird I know but it is such a joy that he is maturing enough to cry! The gestational age of Asher is 31 weeks, almost 32 and sucking is something that you have to somewhat teach preemies so we have also been practicing that, he is really starting to get it and it is so cute! Oh yea, I have now officially been broken into being a mommy of a little boy…that little guy went pee pee on his mommy. He got me and his whole bed, pretty funny for Asher’s nurse who got to watch the show.

With a little luck we will get past all these bumps and continue on the road home, to “Idaho” as Saige would say.

Saige Clarice

My beautiful little girl will be turning 2 this weekend, I can’t believe it. She is very excited and knows it is her birthday and sings part of “Happy Birthday”. We are having more of a low key party at home in Sandpoint, the plan was to do some sledding but the weather had made me think of plan B. Not sure what that is quite yet but none the less know we will be having a good day. Last year I did her party on her actual birthday and felt like I barely got to spend any time with her, so this year I planned it for the day before and then on her actual birthday 17th, we will head back to Spokane for some fun! I am going to also see about her getting a peek at Asher, she would be pretty excited. She says his name all the time but now calls him “Asher Dale” and knows he is her brother. Amazing how much a 2 year old can actually understand about what is going on. She amazes me every day and just melts my heart with her kind words and sweet things she does for mommy. I need to take a video of her watching videos of Asher, beyond sweet and loving!

Lots of loves, The Roberts