3lb PARTY!!

So I have lots of updating since my last post, I will try and be brief ;-)

My thoughts & Feelings

Love is any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.

The love I hold for my children is unlike any other. Holding them tight, looking into their eyes, kissing their sweet faces, seeing them smile…unlike anything else. More love then one can ever imagine is loving your child.

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

I am filled with Hope…Hope for my children to sleep under the same roof with mommy and daddy watching over them. Hope for their future, health and becoming all they can. Hope for good days and hope for getting over the ones that aren’t so good.


Asher Dale: Growing with strength & wisdom

Since our last post things have gotten increasingly better, we had taken 3 very large steps backwards but have regained those 3 steps in the last 2 weeks. Asher still amazes all of us every day…

Day 33 & 34 ~ I was finally able to hold Asher again right after my last post, he was doing so much better so our nurse Rima (another favorite to add to my list ;-)) decided that I needed to hold him and that Asher too needed his mommy to hold him, I couldn’t have agreed more. The nurses and doctors have somewhat of an understanding that at times they don’t ask permission for things but for forgiveness afterwards. So that is what the plan was and we even got caught, luckily Dr E was ok with it. It was so amazing to get to hold him again; I had missed it so much. Asher tolerated the holding very well and it was hard to put him back to bed. During the hold we started working more on his sucking and swallowing, I used a syringe of breast milk and dropped it into his mouth while he sucked on a pacifier. It is very reassuring that he is getting the sucking motion down.

Day 35 & 36~ Saturday the 16th was my first day not at the hospital; luckily the few days before my first day away were very positive. It made it so much easier to head home and get ready for Saige’s birthday party. We managed to hopefully convince the nurses we are not totally nuts by only calling 4 or so times a day. Having a nurse we love and trust really made a difference though too. But the best news came on Sunday; Asher finally was over 3lbs!! OH YEA!! It was a day of lots of celebrating, our sweet girl was turning 2 and our sweet boy was finally over 3lbs. Mommy and Daddy could not have been happier. This milestone we had been hoping and praying for had finally come and we were with our parents to celebrate. I cried over birthday breakfast, tears of joy and biscuits and gravy!

Day 37~ Asher is finally up to full feeds…no more IV’s and as helpful as you have been Mr IV I am SOOO happy to see you go. Asher has also been doing so well on his CPAP that they decided to give the nasal canula another try. The ability to go off his CPAP is very important; it is showing us that his lungs are getting strong enough to breathe on their own. Getting off the canula is also one step closer to getting to nurse and bottle feed him. The plan is to let alternate between both the canula and CPAP but more letting Asher decide when he needs to be switched back to the CPAP. Such a big boy!

Day 39~ Asher has been doing so great on his nasal canula only having minor apnea (pause in breathing) and bradycardia (drop in heart rate). So well that Nicki (another favorite nurse) suggested we give him a bath…his FIRST BATH!! It might seem a bit odd, but for those who have had the joy of giving your newborn their first bath, you know that this is very exciting. I was so scared that the nurses would give him his first bath without me BUT no they made it very special. He was not overly excited at first but as soon as he relaxed a bit he really enjoyed it. After his bath I dressed him in his “JJ’s”, we had a mini photo shoot for his sissy. Saige loves her “JJ’s” (jammies) and was too excited to see Asher in his. Our day was amazing and just what I needed to go back to work the following day. I knew the day would be hard but knowing that things were going well made the thought of heading back a few days a week that much bearable. Like many other times when I am feeling like we are finally turning the corner and feeling confident that we are making such progress, we experience a setback. Soon after I was on the road headed back to Sandpoint, Asher decided to start having many more of his apnea and bradycardia spells. He was having so many that they put him back on his CPAP. Andy got the call luckily and for me hearing things from him is always better than having the doctor call me. I know this was not a huge step back but none the less we were taking one back.

I made it through my second day away from Asher, it was hard but in my heart I know that this is what I need to do so that when he comes home I can spend time with him. While preparing to go back to work I had been consumed with the thought that my sweet boy would not be held and loved on while I was away. But with some extra help we were able to get permission for my mom to come up to see Asher while we were away, she is even able to hold him. Knowing that he still has someone loving him while I am away makes the day so much better. I know my mom enjoyed her alone time with her sweet grandson and sweet Asher was a good boy and kept his “spells” to a minimum!

Too be continued…. (it is 2:00 am and well I guess I should get some sleep)

Happy Birthday SWEET Saige

Sweet Saige Clarice turned two on January 17th. I can’t believe that sweet girl is already 2, time sure does fly by! We had a snowflake birthday party with lots of good intentions of going sledding but the weather man had another plan so we settled for just hanging out at our house with lots of friends and family. She was too excited to have all her friends and cousins too her house to play. We are so lucky to have family and friends with super sweet kids; they all played so well I couldn’t believe it. Even the big kids are way too sweet and are so good to the little kids. Saige loved being sung to and even clapped her hands at everyone and told them “yea”! Mommy even let her have a piece of chocolate cake…yea I know right! I think all the kids had fun just playing and I think the adults had a pretty good time as well….I know I did!

Saige you are the highlight of all of our lives. You make every day a better day by just being your sweet self. Mommy is so proud of the little girl you are, you are kind, sweet and polite. God has sent me the biggest blessing he ever could have sent by sending me you. There are not enough words to express how much I love you.

Thanks everyone who celebrated my birthday with me, I love you!! Xoxox Saige

3 Steps Back

My Thoughts and Feelings:
I can shed tears over the fact that I came home without my sweet little boy, or I can be thankful that he is in the NICU and under the care of skilled doctors and nurses--which is exactly where he needs to be right now.

I can wish that our holidays would have been "merrier" and that my family could have been together, or I can choose to be thankful for the gift of my sweet little boy and precious little girl and all of our family and friends that have held our hands and given all the words and encouragement we need.

I can stress out about leaving Saige at different places every day so we can go to the hospital, or I can be thankful that she is being loved by grandparents and friends and getting to know them even better.

I can feel like a bad mom for multiple reasons (like not feeling strong enough or not spending enough time with Saige or Asher, feeling like it's my fault Asher came early even though there is no explanation), or I can be thankful for the blessings of children and pray for strength and wisdom to raise them to be amazing.

Asher Dale: Strength to Grow, to Learn

As the doctors had warned many times, our journey in the NICU would be a roller coaster ride. I had been feeling so confident for a while that we were going to skip that ride and just sail through this and go home in record time. I guess that was me being wishful and hopeful, all of things I still am but now I am having to adjust to being on the roller coaster. The last few days have been trying but luckily Andy was here with me to talk with the doctors. With him by my side I am much better at holding it together and not breaking down in front of the staff, I am able to hold it in until they get to the door.

Day 27-29 have turned out to be quite trying for our sweet boy. Friday they had been concerned that he might be getting an infections due to the increased episodes of Apnea but all his blood tests came back negative but were scheduled to re-test on Saturday morning. They also changed out all of his CPAP tubing and such, which seemed to causing some water to back up and go into his nose. This seemed to help his episodes quite a bit; everything seemed more mechanical as opposed to him being sick. Asher blood tests on Saturday showed an increase that he might be getting an infection. Too take precautious measures they started him on 2 different anti-biotics, which was heart breaking to see him now have IVs back in is little body, I was very glad they decide to start them just in case as opposed to watching the levels for a bit. His tummy was also starting to get very bloated and he was not digesting his food as well as he was previously, this could also be a sign of an infection. The decision was made to stop all feedings and start him on IV fluids and nutrients. During this time he also lost 2 oz, that may not seem like a lot but at this point every weight gain is SOOO important and we are far from packing on the pounds at this point. But as the weekend came to an end and my tears dried up, Asher also proved to be the little fighter that we have been thinking he was.

Day 30 was a much better day, but Asher’s red blood cell count was down pretty low. Not low enough to transfuse him but if it went down anymore that would be the next step. Asher’s uncle was ready to give him blood if needed so Asher would not have to get a strangers blood (amazing family we have, so lucky). Our doctor ordered for another lab test on Tuesday checking these levels again, Asher had increased his red blood cell count by over 2pts and so he would not need the transfusion. It was VERY encouraging when Dr B, who is not the touchy feely kind, told me that in majority of preemies born as early as Asher they expect to see infections and blood transfusions at least once if not many times. But he keeps surprising us all!

Day 31 & 32 have been VERY good days. Asher has had less apnea and has even gained some weight without mommy’s food; he is now tipping the scale at 2lbs 13.7oz. I really am having a 3lb party, no joke!! Since things have been going so well Doctor decided to slowly restart his feedings again, my hope is that by the weekend we can hold him again. We have not been able to hold him in over and week, such a heart breaking experience to not be able to hold your newborn but I know they know so I do my best to make the most of it. I spend most days sitting next to his isolate with the lid cracked talking to him and rubbing his back, legs, hands or head. He has really started to take on more traits of an actual newborn, making sweet little noises and is even crying louder and with more umph~ what mommy says she LOVES to hear her baby cry?? Weird I know but it is such a joy that he is maturing enough to cry! The gestational age of Asher is 31 weeks, almost 32 and sucking is something that you have to somewhat teach preemies so we have also been practicing that, he is really starting to get it and it is so cute! Oh yea, I have now officially been broken into being a mommy of a little boy…that little guy went pee pee on his mommy. He got me and his whole bed, pretty funny for Asher’s nurse who got to watch the show.

With a little luck we will get past all these bumps and continue on the road home, to “Idaho” as Saige would say.

Saige Clarice

My beautiful little girl will be turning 2 this weekend, I can’t believe it. She is very excited and knows it is her birthday and sings part of “Happy Birthday”. We are having more of a low key party at home in Sandpoint, the plan was to do some sledding but the weather had made me think of plan B. Not sure what that is quite yet but none the less know we will be having a good day. Last year I did her party on her actual birthday and felt like I barely got to spend any time with her, so this year I planned it for the day before and then on her actual birthday 17th, we will head back to Spokane for some fun! I am going to also see about her getting a peek at Asher, she would be pretty excited. She says his name all the time but now calls him “Asher Dale” and knows he is her brother. Amazing how much a 2 year old can actually understand about what is going on. She amazes me every day and just melts my heart with her kind words and sweet things she does for mommy. I need to take a video of her watching videos of Asher, beyond sweet and loving!

Lots of loves, The Roberts

My Sweet & Amazing Friend

I needed to take the time to share some very sad news, my sweet friend Rachel tragically passed away on Monday.  Rachel was only 18 years old and a freshman on U of I with many academic scholarships, she was an amazing young women.  Rachel was this sweet teenager that I became very close with over the last 3 years, her mom and I worked together. She was truly an amazing girl, she had such drive to do amazing things.  She was unlike any teenager I have ever met and it was truly an honor to have had her be apart of my family.  She will always hold a very special place in my heart.  Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers!
xoxox Amber

Big Sister * Little Brother

My Thoughts and Feelings:
So I once again have not followed through with being a blogger, another week has gone by and I have not blogged. I wish I had some profound reason as so why I have not been sharing but I still feel like I am in survival mode and what gets me from one day to another is still my children. I know I need to be stronger and then more but it seems like all I can do is make it from one day to the next. As with Asher I seem to have good days and bad days but with me it is not the life or death and at the end of the day it is my JOB to be strong for my babies! I say babies, it really is my job to be strong for both of them, they both look to mommy and daddy for so many things. Although Asher depends on more than just mommy and daddy at this point for most everything, I still have to be there emotional and physically for him. My sweet girl, as dependent as she is still needs her mommy and daddy too, through all of this most would think she is just fine but through it all I can see things that most would not see but I am her mommy I know her better than anyone could ever know. She misses her home, her room and her things, she doesn’t know why mommy and daddy don’t sleep in the same bed every night and why she is not in “Idaho” not to mention why “her” baby is not in mommy’s tummy anymore and not with her but I know she will be fine and everything she knows to be normal will once again be normal, but I can’t help but wish she didn’t have to endure all she has.

Me, Us…my wonderful and sensitive husband, my rock. The rock that is hurting and nervous like me, but still holds it together for me, for us, puts up with my emotions neither pleasant nor positive at times. But none the less still loves me like no other could love another and is the most amazing father. My husband is many, many wonderful things but if being an amazing father would win any contest I think he would win, he loves both his children with all that he is and gives all he can give. I could honestly go on and on but to sum it all up, I will say day after day I am SOOO lucky and although I don’t show or say it enough, I truly know I am.
Asher Dale: Bright eyed & perfect
Last week started out as most our Mondays do, rough! But as the week progressed our sweet boy seemed to conquer every obstacle, I like to think it is in his blood. His bily-rubin dropped quickly and by Friday he was off those AWFUL lights, I am not sure why I am so anti light but it just seems so un-comfy and un-homey and for most who know me well know I pride myself in everything at my house being comfortable and my sweet boy wasn’t comfy. But now he is, mommy and GiGi shopped for the cutest and most comfy blankets around to line his bed with and so not only does he have the comfort and smells of his family but they are soft and cozy too (and does he look cute). Asher continued to do well on his Cpap and by Saturday they decided to test him out on the nasal canula, rotating him every four hours between the nasal canula and the cpap. I was excited beyond words…I just spend a wonderful day (pretty much my first away from Asher) helping my WONDERFUL friend Jill find the most amazing wedding dress and my last stop of the afternoon was a few hours with my sweet boy and too my surprise his wonderful nurse Christina (again I know, she is wonderful) had sweet little Asher on his nasal canula and in his jayjay’s (what Saige calls her jammies), first time he had a full outfit on. TOO CUTE, but too funny I was so excited and my mom had stepped out of his room and Christina was at lunch so I freaked out and glowed all alone, but none the less it was beyond words. Over the next few days I was able to see his face, some of swelling went down and for once we were able to see his SWEET beautiful face. He is just so beautiful; my heart just melts at the sight of his big eyes. Looking into those eyes is beyond words and the fact that he will look to me as I speak is just amazing and to think he should just be in my tummy growing and I am actually looking at him and getting to know him already is just amazing! Monday morning brought more good news, we had another ultra sound of his head and the two head bleeds they had seen last week were watered down, I have tried to look this up without much luck so in my UN-medical opinion they are starting to shrink and DR E said that if it put me at ease they would do another ultra sound on Monday but if I was ok with this weeks we would wait a while…hmmm do you think he has already gathered that I am emotional and a bit neurotic? So we of course will be doing another ultra sound this next Monday. But as I was really feeling overly confident that we were not going to have any more down days, late Monday comes and as well as Asher had been doing on his time with the nasal canula, he started to poop out. Monday night was not a good night and Asher had many episodes of apnea and some were so bad that they almost had to put him on a ventilator. I wish I could say that I took it lightly but if we were going to have to take any steps back that would be one of the worst ones at this point. But luckily he recovered and by last night was again doing wonderfully, but is still only on the cpap. Asher has also been gaining weight every day, some days not as much as others but is still adding on the oz’s, I try to keep everything into perspective so 3 lbs is the goal! I think once we reach 3 lbs I am going to celebrate, seems like so little but for us it is such a milestone.
Much love, The Roberts