Emotions

We have been home now for some time and honestly things are going pretty amazing, all things considered. Asher is gaining weight, slowly but gaining nonetheless. He is 8 months old, adjusted age of 5 months in the next few weeks and weighs a bit over 11 lbs, he is an eager eater and we have just started on solids. That sweet baby laughs, a loud hardy, hardy laugh. He is more ticklish than any baby I have ever seen and his smile not only lights up his face but an entire room. Those beautiful blue eyes can stop you in your tracks and stop you again as he bats his long eyelashes.
No matter how much time goes by, I can still look at him and be taken back to all those times when I wasn’t sure I would have these memories. When I take the time and read any of my past entries the tears start like water works. I know eventually they will seem like a distant memory but I think that no matter what they will never be that distant, I will always have these emotions associated with this experience that has forever changed my life. This sweet little baby boy I am honored and blessed to call my son, with a mommy who can look at him and break down in tears, tears of joy, tears of thankfulness, tears.

One may wonder why I am even bothering to admit my short comings of being overly emotional, but I have really just realized how much I am still affected. I have a dear friend who is pregnant with multiples (STILL pregnant, WAHOOO) she is doing beyond wonderful caring those babies but we talk. Good for both of us, good for her talking of what may come and good for me to reflect and encourage. My friend is so dear, it so many ways we started on a journey together, different journeys but similar non-the less. Hers of praying to get pregnant and mine of sitting in the hospital praying to stay pregnant. Both followed by a rollercoaster of emotions. As she has progressed now through her pregnancy and has had scares of thinking she may be delivering earlier then expected she has c0me to me for advice and encouragement. I am not sure if she knows how helpful it is for me, but I appreciate her and thank her for leaning on me and listening so theraputic one can't even imagine.

Lotta Catch Up

WOW, this was written some time ago...always forgetting to hit post!! Enjoy, more to come! xoxox Amber

So since bringing Asher home, I have transformed my blogging therapy into starring into the beautiful blue eyes of our sweet boy & watching his sister stare at him and talk ever so softly. We have been home for almost 3 months, and it seems like forever ago that we lived at Sacred Heart. I guess I should change that “we” to “I” as Andy thinks it was the longest time of life, I now think it was just such a small part of something so much bigger. I guess we all deal with things different.
For the last 3 months we have really just been adjusting to having 2 children and learning what Asher loves, likes and dislikes. It is really quite amazing how bringing him home was like bringing home a newborn infant although he was 3 ½ months old. The first few nights took some adjustment to late night and all night feedings. I have to give high fives to mommy’s who bottle feed their babies, oh man oh man I can’t believe how much work that is. Since Asher is such a little guy, we had to continue to add extra calories to my milk to help him grown so every feeding we were making bottles and warming them and all the needed extra’s for him. So much more work then nursing a baby in the night, WOW!! BUT just as I had adjusted to the late nights and lack of sleep, Asher decided he wanted to sleep through the night. I know right??? So after being home for about 6 weeks he has slept through the night. If we go off his due date he was sleeping through the night before Saige who started at about 7-8 weeks. Honestly I am not sure how or why, but it is an amazing thing. Well I guess I should say it was amazing after the first few nights of being scared that something was wrong.

Since leaving the hospital Asher has gained about ¾ of an oz a day and is about 10lbs now. He is so chubby, he has the most amazing little fat rolls all over and those cheeks, oh man you just can’t get enough of them. We started going into the doctors office every week for weight checks but with him doing so well gaining now we are only going every 3 weeks. With Asher we have being seeing Dr D at the pediatric office, he is really quite amazing. Before our first visit he had reviewed all of Asher’s medical records, I mean ALL of them. You can imagine how thick that file was but I was just so thrilled that I didn’t have to give him a play by play of everything. He has been such a huge part of making us feel like we are getting over this with so many kind and encouraging words. I guess when I look back at all the medical professionals that have been apart of Asher’s recovery there could NEVER NEVER be enough thanks that we could ever give them.

~Big Sister Saige~

For those of you who don’t know this little missy, let me tell you she is something else. She is feisty and sweet, loving and crazy. She is sooo beyond words in love with her brother, I do have to say I was a bit nervous about how she would react to no longer being the princess of the castle, but she has been loving every minute of it. She wants to help with everything with him and being fairly laid back we have been letting her help with most everything. Saige has also turned into quite the funny girl, it may be in part that she is really starting to talk to you about everything. But she just says the cutest things. That is how the 2 babies started. In normal conversation I refer to Asher as the “baby” but then I tell her she is my first baby so one day she tells me that I have 2 babies. Why yes I do have 2 babies Saige. While being home with her we decided it was the perfect time to potty train her, after a week or so she got it, pretty impressive what some jelly beans and stickers do for a little girl. We are still learning but for most days we are accident free.

Then and Home:





Saige's First in person glance:



True love of a sibling...what a sweet girl loving her brother so much. She has no idea that this was not the way she was supposed to meet her baby brother, either way it was such a wonderful moment.

it's offical

Asher is coming home today...don't have much time to write but I will update later today, hopefully with a sleeping baby on my chest and my little girl sitting next to me helping!! 

So many tears, so many tears of joy!!

Asher Catch up ~ Bad Blogging Mommy

Here is our last month in a nut shell…

For me it seems that when things started to steadily got so much better, I was able to get into a routine and just do what needed to be done. I apologize for not keeping everyone up to date, it is nice to hear that people were reading this and when I was not blogging sending me emails and such checking in. THANK YOU for caring and thinking about us, the appreciation we have for all the love and positive thoughts is what has gotten us as far as we are!!

Our sweet boy has really chosen his own path, the slow and steady one but none the less we have gained strength and patience. Asher has done nothing but amaze us every day, every week. After a few weeks of being on the nasal canula he decided he was done…ummm yes that little 3+ pound baby decided that he was done with it. Taking the canula out of his nose and either setting it upon his nose or chin/mouth area was where he thought it should be, NOT his little nose. Asher has now been off the canula for almost 2 weeks and his episodes of Apena and Bacarydia have become less and less, I actually think the last time he had a minor episode was 2/23. Even those small episodes that he had were all ones that he was able to recover himself.

Asher’s weight gain has been that of a snail. I think it might be just the way our babies are, small and slow growers (Saige is 2 and is only 24lbs) but when a baby is born as small as Asher was, gaining weight is a big big part of getting better. We have continued to battle the belly issue and have had to take very small baby steps when increasing the calories in his food as well and get him off the continuous feeds and onto a gavage feeding. After waiting it out with the Cpap gone and not munch of a belly change Dr E and Dr B decided to take a chance and increase the calories into his food. Asher steadily begin to pack on the oz. Since he was tolerating the higher calorie breast milk so much better, his feedings were slowly condensed. Asher has tolerated all of these changes very well. He hit the 4lb mark on 2/15, less then a month (by a few days) then it took him to get into the 3lb club.

Oh how I have grown….

Forgotten Post~ a few weeks ago 2/7/2010

My Feelings:
So things are going as well as they could for this situation…we are still taking things day by day. It has been really refreshing that our positive days are out weighing the not so positive. I am not sure at what point you become a NICU veteran but I would think 60 days so far sure would qualify. I get surprised when I get to the hospital and have a nurse I don’t know yet. Asher’s room is that of the revolving roommates, we are on number 5. It might be sign of how long we have been there but I like to think of it as the “good luck” room…they all go home, just like we will someday soon too! In addition I believe my veteran status is just that when I can look at all the names of the sweet babies in our unit and know that they weren’t there when we arrived. Maybe this is a sign that the time we are spending in the NICU is starting to get to me since I often ponder this…BUT I do know as excited as I will be to take my sweet boy home, I will miss my new friends in the NICU terribly.

Asher Dale: Slow and Steady wins the race…

As of just a few days ago Mr. Asher officially put the ole’ CPAP to rest, this is after a few failed attempts but none the he kept working at it and now it is no more. He is a big boy with the nasal canula and has been doing AMAZING. He is still having some minor Apena and bacardydia but for the most part he is able to recover on his own and not have his nurses give him little reminders. Asher has been having quite an extended belly which has really been holding him back from increasing his food calorie intakes as well as the possibility of starting to bottle feed. Dr E and Dr B have done test after test but nothing has come up as showing anything but air in his belly, for the most part it does not seem to bother him. They are hoping that after a few more days of being off the Cpap his belly will go down, if not on to more tests. My fingers are crossed that we really are just dealing with too much air in his tummy!

3lb PARTY!!

So I have lots of updating since my last post, I will try and be brief ;-)

My thoughts & Feelings

Love is any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.

The love I hold for my children is unlike any other. Holding them tight, looking into their eyes, kissing their sweet faces, seeing them smile…unlike anything else. More love then one can ever imagine is loving your child.

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

I am filled with Hope…Hope for my children to sleep under the same roof with mommy and daddy watching over them. Hope for their future, health and becoming all they can. Hope for good days and hope for getting over the ones that aren’t so good.


Asher Dale: Growing with strength & wisdom

Since our last post things have gotten increasingly better, we had taken 3 very large steps backwards but have regained those 3 steps in the last 2 weeks. Asher still amazes all of us every day…

Day 33 & 34 ~ I was finally able to hold Asher again right after my last post, he was doing so much better so our nurse Rima (another favorite to add to my list ;-)) decided that I needed to hold him and that Asher too needed his mommy to hold him, I couldn’t have agreed more. The nurses and doctors have somewhat of an understanding that at times they don’t ask permission for things but for forgiveness afterwards. So that is what the plan was and we even got caught, luckily Dr E was ok with it. It was so amazing to get to hold him again; I had missed it so much. Asher tolerated the holding very well and it was hard to put him back to bed. During the hold we started working more on his sucking and swallowing, I used a syringe of breast milk and dropped it into his mouth while he sucked on a pacifier. It is very reassuring that he is getting the sucking motion down.

Day 35 & 36~ Saturday the 16th was my first day not at the hospital; luckily the few days before my first day away were very positive. It made it so much easier to head home and get ready for Saige’s birthday party. We managed to hopefully convince the nurses we are not totally nuts by only calling 4 or so times a day. Having a nurse we love and trust really made a difference though too. But the best news came on Sunday; Asher finally was over 3lbs!! OH YEA!! It was a day of lots of celebrating, our sweet girl was turning 2 and our sweet boy was finally over 3lbs. Mommy and Daddy could not have been happier. This milestone we had been hoping and praying for had finally come and we were with our parents to celebrate. I cried over birthday breakfast, tears of joy and biscuits and gravy!

Day 37~ Asher is finally up to full feeds…no more IV’s and as helpful as you have been Mr IV I am SOOO happy to see you go. Asher has also been doing so well on his CPAP that they decided to give the nasal canula another try. The ability to go off his CPAP is very important; it is showing us that his lungs are getting strong enough to breathe on their own. Getting off the canula is also one step closer to getting to nurse and bottle feed him. The plan is to let alternate between both the canula and CPAP but more letting Asher decide when he needs to be switched back to the CPAP. Such a big boy!

Day 39~ Asher has been doing so great on his nasal canula only having minor apnea (pause in breathing) and bradycardia (drop in heart rate). So well that Nicki (another favorite nurse) suggested we give him a bath…his FIRST BATH!! It might seem a bit odd, but for those who have had the joy of giving your newborn their first bath, you know that this is very exciting. I was so scared that the nurses would give him his first bath without me BUT no they made it very special. He was not overly excited at first but as soon as he relaxed a bit he really enjoyed it. After his bath I dressed him in his “JJ’s”, we had a mini photo shoot for his sissy. Saige loves her “JJ’s” (jammies) and was too excited to see Asher in his. Our day was amazing and just what I needed to go back to work the following day. I knew the day would be hard but knowing that things were going well made the thought of heading back a few days a week that much bearable. Like many other times when I am feeling like we are finally turning the corner and feeling confident that we are making such progress, we experience a setback. Soon after I was on the road headed back to Sandpoint, Asher decided to start having many more of his apnea and bradycardia spells. He was having so many that they put him back on his CPAP. Andy got the call luckily and for me hearing things from him is always better than having the doctor call me. I know this was not a huge step back but none the less we were taking one back.

I made it through my second day away from Asher, it was hard but in my heart I know that this is what I need to do so that when he comes home I can spend time with him. While preparing to go back to work I had been consumed with the thought that my sweet boy would not be held and loved on while I was away. But with some extra help we were able to get permission for my mom to come up to see Asher while we were away, she is even able to hold him. Knowing that he still has someone loving him while I am away makes the day so much better. I know my mom enjoyed her alone time with her sweet grandson and sweet Asher was a good boy and kept his “spells” to a minimum!

Too be continued…. (it is 2:00 am and well I guess I should get some sleep)

Happy Birthday SWEET Saige

Sweet Saige Clarice turned two on January 17th. I can’t believe that sweet girl is already 2, time sure does fly by! We had a snowflake birthday party with lots of good intentions of going sledding but the weather man had another plan so we settled for just hanging out at our house with lots of friends and family. She was too excited to have all her friends and cousins too her house to play. We are so lucky to have family and friends with super sweet kids; they all played so well I couldn’t believe it. Even the big kids are way too sweet and are so good to the little kids. Saige loved being sung to and even clapped her hands at everyone and told them “yea”! Mommy even let her have a piece of chocolate cake…yea I know right! I think all the kids had fun just playing and I think the adults had a pretty good time as well….I know I did!

Saige you are the highlight of all of our lives. You make every day a better day by just being your sweet self. Mommy is so proud of the little girl you are, you are kind, sweet and polite. God has sent me the biggest blessing he ever could have sent by sending me you. There are not enough words to express how much I love you.

Thanks everyone who celebrated my birthday with me, I love you!! Xoxox Saige

3 Steps Back

My Thoughts and Feelings:
I can shed tears over the fact that I came home without my sweet little boy, or I can be thankful that he is in the NICU and under the care of skilled doctors and nurses--which is exactly where he needs to be right now.

I can wish that our holidays would have been "merrier" and that my family could have been together, or I can choose to be thankful for the gift of my sweet little boy and precious little girl and all of our family and friends that have held our hands and given all the words and encouragement we need.

I can stress out about leaving Saige at different places every day so we can go to the hospital, or I can be thankful that she is being loved by grandparents and friends and getting to know them even better.

I can feel like a bad mom for multiple reasons (like not feeling strong enough or not spending enough time with Saige or Asher, feeling like it's my fault Asher came early even though there is no explanation), or I can be thankful for the blessings of children and pray for strength and wisdom to raise them to be amazing.

Asher Dale: Strength to Grow, to Learn

As the doctors had warned many times, our journey in the NICU would be a roller coaster ride. I had been feeling so confident for a while that we were going to skip that ride and just sail through this and go home in record time. I guess that was me being wishful and hopeful, all of things I still am but now I am having to adjust to being on the roller coaster. The last few days have been trying but luckily Andy was here with me to talk with the doctors. With him by my side I am much better at holding it together and not breaking down in front of the staff, I am able to hold it in until they get to the door.

Day 27-29 have turned out to be quite trying for our sweet boy. Friday they had been concerned that he might be getting an infections due to the increased episodes of Apnea but all his blood tests came back negative but were scheduled to re-test on Saturday morning. They also changed out all of his CPAP tubing and such, which seemed to causing some water to back up and go into his nose. This seemed to help his episodes quite a bit; everything seemed more mechanical as opposed to him being sick. Asher blood tests on Saturday showed an increase that he might be getting an infection. Too take precautious measures they started him on 2 different anti-biotics, which was heart breaking to see him now have IVs back in is little body, I was very glad they decide to start them just in case as opposed to watching the levels for a bit. His tummy was also starting to get very bloated and he was not digesting his food as well as he was previously, this could also be a sign of an infection. The decision was made to stop all feedings and start him on IV fluids and nutrients. During this time he also lost 2 oz, that may not seem like a lot but at this point every weight gain is SOOO important and we are far from packing on the pounds at this point. But as the weekend came to an end and my tears dried up, Asher also proved to be the little fighter that we have been thinking he was.

Day 30 was a much better day, but Asher’s red blood cell count was down pretty low. Not low enough to transfuse him but if it went down anymore that would be the next step. Asher’s uncle was ready to give him blood if needed so Asher would not have to get a strangers blood (amazing family we have, so lucky). Our doctor ordered for another lab test on Tuesday checking these levels again, Asher had increased his red blood cell count by over 2pts and so he would not need the transfusion. It was VERY encouraging when Dr B, who is not the touchy feely kind, told me that in majority of preemies born as early as Asher they expect to see infections and blood transfusions at least once if not many times. But he keeps surprising us all!

Day 31 & 32 have been VERY good days. Asher has had less apnea and has even gained some weight without mommy’s food; he is now tipping the scale at 2lbs 13.7oz. I really am having a 3lb party, no joke!! Since things have been going so well Doctor decided to slowly restart his feedings again, my hope is that by the weekend we can hold him again. We have not been able to hold him in over and week, such a heart breaking experience to not be able to hold your newborn but I know they know so I do my best to make the most of it. I spend most days sitting next to his isolate with the lid cracked talking to him and rubbing his back, legs, hands or head. He has really started to take on more traits of an actual newborn, making sweet little noises and is even crying louder and with more umph~ what mommy says she LOVES to hear her baby cry?? Weird I know but it is such a joy that he is maturing enough to cry! The gestational age of Asher is 31 weeks, almost 32 and sucking is something that you have to somewhat teach preemies so we have also been practicing that, he is really starting to get it and it is so cute! Oh yea, I have now officially been broken into being a mommy of a little boy…that little guy went pee pee on his mommy. He got me and his whole bed, pretty funny for Asher’s nurse who got to watch the show.

With a little luck we will get past all these bumps and continue on the road home, to “Idaho” as Saige would say.

Saige Clarice

My beautiful little girl will be turning 2 this weekend, I can’t believe it. She is very excited and knows it is her birthday and sings part of “Happy Birthday”. We are having more of a low key party at home in Sandpoint, the plan was to do some sledding but the weather had made me think of plan B. Not sure what that is quite yet but none the less know we will be having a good day. Last year I did her party on her actual birthday and felt like I barely got to spend any time with her, so this year I planned it for the day before and then on her actual birthday 17th, we will head back to Spokane for some fun! I am going to also see about her getting a peek at Asher, she would be pretty excited. She says his name all the time but now calls him “Asher Dale” and knows he is her brother. Amazing how much a 2 year old can actually understand about what is going on. She amazes me every day and just melts my heart with her kind words and sweet things she does for mommy. I need to take a video of her watching videos of Asher, beyond sweet and loving!

Lots of loves, The Roberts

My Sweet & Amazing Friend

I needed to take the time to share some very sad news, my sweet friend Rachel tragically passed away on Monday.  Rachel was only 18 years old and a freshman on U of I with many academic scholarships, she was an amazing young women.  Rachel was this sweet teenager that I became very close with over the last 3 years, her mom and I worked together. She was truly an amazing girl, she had such drive to do amazing things.  She was unlike any teenager I have ever met and it was truly an honor to have had her be apart of my family.  She will always hold a very special place in my heart.  Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers!
xoxox Amber

Big Sister * Little Brother

My Thoughts and Feelings:
So I once again have not followed through with being a blogger, another week has gone by and I have not blogged. I wish I had some profound reason as so why I have not been sharing but I still feel like I am in survival mode and what gets me from one day to another is still my children. I know I need to be stronger and then more but it seems like all I can do is make it from one day to the next. As with Asher I seem to have good days and bad days but with me it is not the life or death and at the end of the day it is my JOB to be strong for my babies! I say babies, it really is my job to be strong for both of them, they both look to mommy and daddy for so many things. Although Asher depends on more than just mommy and daddy at this point for most everything, I still have to be there emotional and physically for him. My sweet girl, as dependent as she is still needs her mommy and daddy too, through all of this most would think she is just fine but through it all I can see things that most would not see but I am her mommy I know her better than anyone could ever know. She misses her home, her room and her things, she doesn’t know why mommy and daddy don’t sleep in the same bed every night and why she is not in “Idaho” not to mention why “her” baby is not in mommy’s tummy anymore and not with her but I know she will be fine and everything she knows to be normal will once again be normal, but I can’t help but wish she didn’t have to endure all she has.

Me, Us…my wonderful and sensitive husband, my rock. The rock that is hurting and nervous like me, but still holds it together for me, for us, puts up with my emotions neither pleasant nor positive at times. But none the less still loves me like no other could love another and is the most amazing father. My husband is many, many wonderful things but if being an amazing father would win any contest I think he would win, he loves both his children with all that he is and gives all he can give. I could honestly go on and on but to sum it all up, I will say day after day I am SOOO lucky and although I don’t show or say it enough, I truly know I am.
Asher Dale: Bright eyed & perfect
Last week started out as most our Mondays do, rough! But as the week progressed our sweet boy seemed to conquer every obstacle, I like to think it is in his blood. His bily-rubin dropped quickly and by Friday he was off those AWFUL lights, I am not sure why I am so anti light but it just seems so un-comfy and un-homey and for most who know me well know I pride myself in everything at my house being comfortable and my sweet boy wasn’t comfy. But now he is, mommy and GiGi shopped for the cutest and most comfy blankets around to line his bed with and so not only does he have the comfort and smells of his family but they are soft and cozy too (and does he look cute). Asher continued to do well on his Cpap and by Saturday they decided to test him out on the nasal canula, rotating him every four hours between the nasal canula and the cpap. I was excited beyond words…I just spend a wonderful day (pretty much my first away from Asher) helping my WONDERFUL friend Jill find the most amazing wedding dress and my last stop of the afternoon was a few hours with my sweet boy and too my surprise his wonderful nurse Christina (again I know, she is wonderful) had sweet little Asher on his nasal canula and in his jayjay’s (what Saige calls her jammies), first time he had a full outfit on. TOO CUTE, but too funny I was so excited and my mom had stepped out of his room and Christina was at lunch so I freaked out and glowed all alone, but none the less it was beyond words. Over the next few days I was able to see his face, some of swelling went down and for once we were able to see his SWEET beautiful face. He is just so beautiful; my heart just melts at the sight of his big eyes. Looking into those eyes is beyond words and the fact that he will look to me as I speak is just amazing and to think he should just be in my tummy growing and I am actually looking at him and getting to know him already is just amazing! Monday morning brought more good news, we had another ultra sound of his head and the two head bleeds they had seen last week were watered down, I have tried to look this up without much luck so in my UN-medical opinion they are starting to shrink and DR E said that if it put me at ease they would do another ultra sound on Monday but if I was ok with this weeks we would wait a while…hmmm do you think he has already gathered that I am emotional and a bit neurotic? So we of course will be doing another ultra sound this next Monday. But as I was really feeling overly confident that we were not going to have any more down days, late Monday comes and as well as Asher had been doing on his time with the nasal canula, he started to poop out. Monday night was not a good night and Asher had many episodes of apnea and some were so bad that they almost had to put him on a ventilator. I wish I could say that I took it lightly but if we were going to have to take any steps back that would be one of the worst ones at this point. But luckily he recovered and by last night was again doing wonderfully, but is still only on the cpap. Asher has also been gaining weight every day, some days not as much as others but is still adding on the oz’s, I try to keep everything into perspective so 3 lbs is the goal! I think once we reach 3 lbs I am going to celebrate, seems like so little but for us it is such a milestone.
Much love, The Roberts