Strong Boy

My feelings and thoughts:
I think over the last week things have really started to set in for me about having a child who is in the hospital. None of us ever imagine what it will be like to have to go and visit your child in the hospital day after day, make phone calls to check in before you go to bed and first thing you do in the mornings, sleep so little and lightly in fear that you will miss your phone ringing. I never imagined having to do this and then to keep strong and stay positive when all you are is afraid. But just when I am at breaking point or breaking, something wonderful happens that again lifts my spirits and helps me to realize that I have to be strong and positive regardless of hard each day is. Christmas morning was a real breaking point for me, I am not sure what set it off or what happened but all I could do was cry. I just wanted my sweet daughter to spend Christmas with her brother, I wanted my sweet boy in my tummy or home with our family, I didn’t want to be in the hospital celebrating his first Christmas I wanted him to be home. My baby was almost 2 weeks old, I had not held him close to me or kissed his sweet face, we hadn’t snuggled up close and looked into each other’s eyes…why did this happen to us? He is just so sweet and does not deserve to be alone and hooked up to all these machines, I just want you to come home.
Asher Dale: fortuate, blessed, happy
I had intended to start sharing all the milestones we have met, but since today was our first “down” day since he was born I need to start with today. As I was heading to the hospital today, DR E called me to give me an update on Asher…he wanted me to know that Asher was back under the billi rubin lights. Last week his levels were down to a 2 so they removed all the lights and placed him in a different bed, he was also finally able to wear little shirts and be swaddled, we were so excited. But his levels were up to a 9, a level they are able to manage with light therapy but still fairly high (a level of 11 is when there is more concern), although this might not be a huge setback if the therapy works it is still so hard to see your poor baby just lying there under these lights, he looks so uncomfortable. He has grown so used to being all swaddled up and cozy. This was also a setback due to the fact that I had my first skin to skin session with Asher on Saturday, it was the most amazing experience and I was looking forward to sitting with him against me for the most part of today but with the light therapy he is only to be out of the lights for an hour per day. Dr E also heard a bit of a murmur in his heart and ordered an EKG for today, one of our nurses had actually told us she thought she had heard one a few days ago so we knew that this was a possibility. My fear was that the Patent Ductus Arteriosus (PDA) was not or had not closed properly and that he might need surgery or worse. But the good news was that after many hours of waiting, Asher received his EKG and the PDA is closing properly and is almost closed which is part of which is causing the murmur something about the valves echoing off one another so at this point they will not have to do anything but wait to make sure if finishes closing. The last of my super bad day was the third ultra sound of Asher’s head, this time they found 2 head bleeds on each side, the good news was that neither bleed is in his brain and they are level 1 bleeds. Level one is the lowest and is most likely to resolve themselves. He will be rechecked next week and they will continue to watch his head for any growth issues. But the high of the day was that Dr E still allowed me a small amount of skin on skin contact, so for about an hour today I was allowed to have my sweet boy against my chest. Such an amazing feeling. So that was today…
But besides all of that and all the emotions that have been overwhelming me, my sweet little Asher is just such a wonder and he keeps all of us strong and looking forward to a new day. Asher has continued to still surpass expectations. He has started gaining weight YEAAAA, he now weight 2lbs 9oz. He loves his mommy’s milk and as of today they removed his pik line, so no more IV fluids. He has been spitting some up but they seem to think it is due to his cpap causing some excess air in his tummy, at this point the Doctors aren’t concerned so we will just see how is goes. In addition, the best of the best is that we have finally been able to hold our sweet little wonder…I am pretty sure besides the days my children were born and the day I married my husband, this year’s Christmas day was one of the best days ever. It started out as one of the worst and became one of the best, due to Asher’s wonderful nurse Christina. When is was my turn again to see my sweet boy (everyone came to visit on Christmas), I had the shock of my life when there was Christina holding Asher out to me and telling me Merry Christmas, I completely broke down as I held him in my arms, all the emotions that I had been holding in came pouring out but this was what I needed to get through the day, oh man did I ever need to hold that sweet boy. Saturday was also an amazing day, we had our first skin on skin. I was able to hold Asher for over an hour and it was the best feeling for both of us I think. Daddy also held Asher for the first time, the little things that parents take advantage of when you have a healthy full term baby, are now the highlights of our days. Daddy was pretty smitten, as was Asher his oxygen stayed at 100% or close to the entire time he was in daddy’s arms and that was without his Cpap on completely breathing on his own, such a good boy!
Although today was by far the hardest day so far, we have been having many good days. I should feel so lucky that so far our NICU experience has been as good as it can be, besides today. 14 good days to one bad day.
We have new picture of our sweet boy, I will get them posted as soon as possible. Another of our favorite nurses Ginger took picture of Asher while he was in daddy’s arms and printed them out, I will scan and add in the morning.
Xoxox, The Roberts