Emotions

We have been home now for some time and honestly things are going pretty amazing, all things considered. Asher is gaining weight, slowly but gaining nonetheless. He is 8 months old, adjusted age of 5 months in the next few weeks and weighs a bit over 11 lbs, he is an eager eater and we have just started on solids. That sweet baby laughs, a loud hardy, hardy laugh. He is more ticklish than any baby I have ever seen and his smile not only lights up his face but an entire room. Those beautiful blue eyes can stop you in your tracks and stop you again as he bats his long eyelashes.
No matter how much time goes by, I can still look at him and be taken back to all those times when I wasn’t sure I would have these memories. When I take the time and read any of my past entries the tears start like water works. I know eventually they will seem like a distant memory but I think that no matter what they will never be that distant, I will always have these emotions associated with this experience that has forever changed my life. This sweet little baby boy I am honored and blessed to call my son, with a mommy who can look at him and break down in tears, tears of joy, tears of thankfulness, tears.

One may wonder why I am even bothering to admit my short comings of being overly emotional, but I have really just realized how much I am still affected. I have a dear friend who is pregnant with multiples (STILL pregnant, WAHOOO) she is doing beyond wonderful caring those babies but we talk. Good for both of us, good for her talking of what may come and good for me to reflect and encourage. My friend is so dear, it so many ways we started on a journey together, different journeys but similar non-the less. Hers of praying to get pregnant and mine of sitting in the hospital praying to stay pregnant. Both followed by a rollercoaster of emotions. As she has progressed now through her pregnancy and has had scares of thinking she may be delivering earlier then expected she has c0me to me for advice and encouragement. I am not sure if she knows how helpful it is for me, but I appreciate her and thank her for leaning on me and listening so theraputic one can't even imagine.

Lotta Catch Up

WOW, this was written some time ago...always forgetting to hit post!! Enjoy, more to come! xoxox Amber

So since bringing Asher home, I have transformed my blogging therapy into starring into the beautiful blue eyes of our sweet boy & watching his sister stare at him and talk ever so softly. We have been home for almost 3 months, and it seems like forever ago that we lived at Sacred Heart. I guess I should change that “we” to “I” as Andy thinks it was the longest time of life, I now think it was just such a small part of something so much bigger. I guess we all deal with things different.
For the last 3 months we have really just been adjusting to having 2 children and learning what Asher loves, likes and dislikes. It is really quite amazing how bringing him home was like bringing home a newborn infant although he was 3 ½ months old. The first few nights took some adjustment to late night and all night feedings. I have to give high fives to mommy’s who bottle feed their babies, oh man oh man I can’t believe how much work that is. Since Asher is such a little guy, we had to continue to add extra calories to my milk to help him grown so every feeding we were making bottles and warming them and all the needed extra’s for him. So much more work then nursing a baby in the night, WOW!! BUT just as I had adjusted to the late nights and lack of sleep, Asher decided he wanted to sleep through the night. I know right??? So after being home for about 6 weeks he has slept through the night. If we go off his due date he was sleeping through the night before Saige who started at about 7-8 weeks. Honestly I am not sure how or why, but it is an amazing thing. Well I guess I should say it was amazing after the first few nights of being scared that something was wrong.

Since leaving the hospital Asher has gained about ¾ of an oz a day and is about 10lbs now. He is so chubby, he has the most amazing little fat rolls all over and those cheeks, oh man you just can’t get enough of them. We started going into the doctors office every week for weight checks but with him doing so well gaining now we are only going every 3 weeks. With Asher we have being seeing Dr D at the pediatric office, he is really quite amazing. Before our first visit he had reviewed all of Asher’s medical records, I mean ALL of them. You can imagine how thick that file was but I was just so thrilled that I didn’t have to give him a play by play of everything. He has been such a huge part of making us feel like we are getting over this with so many kind and encouraging words. I guess when I look back at all the medical professionals that have been apart of Asher’s recovery there could NEVER NEVER be enough thanks that we could ever give them.

~Big Sister Saige~

For those of you who don’t know this little missy, let me tell you she is something else. She is feisty and sweet, loving and crazy. She is sooo beyond words in love with her brother, I do have to say I was a bit nervous about how she would react to no longer being the princess of the castle, but she has been loving every minute of it. She wants to help with everything with him and being fairly laid back we have been letting her help with most everything. Saige has also turned into quite the funny girl, it may be in part that she is really starting to talk to you about everything. But she just says the cutest things. That is how the 2 babies started. In normal conversation I refer to Asher as the “baby” but then I tell her she is my first baby so one day she tells me that I have 2 babies. Why yes I do have 2 babies Saige. While being home with her we decided it was the perfect time to potty train her, after a week or so she got it, pretty impressive what some jelly beans and stickers do for a little girl. We are still learning but for most days we are accident free.

Then and Home:





Saige's First in person glance:



True love of a sibling...what a sweet girl loving her brother so much. She has no idea that this was not the way she was supposed to meet her baby brother, either way it was such a wonderful moment.

it's offical

Asher is coming home today...don't have much time to write but I will update later today, hopefully with a sleeping baby on my chest and my little girl sitting next to me helping!! 

So many tears, so many tears of joy!!

Asher Catch up ~ Bad Blogging Mommy

Here is our last month in a nut shell…

For me it seems that when things started to steadily got so much better, I was able to get into a routine and just do what needed to be done. I apologize for not keeping everyone up to date, it is nice to hear that people were reading this and when I was not blogging sending me emails and such checking in. THANK YOU for caring and thinking about us, the appreciation we have for all the love and positive thoughts is what has gotten us as far as we are!!

Our sweet boy has really chosen his own path, the slow and steady one but none the less we have gained strength and patience. Asher has done nothing but amaze us every day, every week. After a few weeks of being on the nasal canula he decided he was done…ummm yes that little 3+ pound baby decided that he was done with it. Taking the canula out of his nose and either setting it upon his nose or chin/mouth area was where he thought it should be, NOT his little nose. Asher has now been off the canula for almost 2 weeks and his episodes of Apena and Bacarydia have become less and less, I actually think the last time he had a minor episode was 2/23. Even those small episodes that he had were all ones that he was able to recover himself.

Asher’s weight gain has been that of a snail. I think it might be just the way our babies are, small and slow growers (Saige is 2 and is only 24lbs) but when a baby is born as small as Asher was, gaining weight is a big big part of getting better. We have continued to battle the belly issue and have had to take very small baby steps when increasing the calories in his food as well and get him off the continuous feeds and onto a gavage feeding. After waiting it out with the Cpap gone and not munch of a belly change Dr E and Dr B decided to take a chance and increase the calories into his food. Asher steadily begin to pack on the oz. Since he was tolerating the higher calorie breast milk so much better, his feedings were slowly condensed. Asher has tolerated all of these changes very well. He hit the 4lb mark on 2/15, less then a month (by a few days) then it took him to get into the 3lb club.

Oh how I have grown….

Forgotten Post~ a few weeks ago 2/7/2010

My Feelings:
So things are going as well as they could for this situation…we are still taking things day by day. It has been really refreshing that our positive days are out weighing the not so positive. I am not sure at what point you become a NICU veteran but I would think 60 days so far sure would qualify. I get surprised when I get to the hospital and have a nurse I don’t know yet. Asher’s room is that of the revolving roommates, we are on number 5. It might be sign of how long we have been there but I like to think of it as the “good luck” room…they all go home, just like we will someday soon too! In addition I believe my veteran status is just that when I can look at all the names of the sweet babies in our unit and know that they weren’t there when we arrived. Maybe this is a sign that the time we are spending in the NICU is starting to get to me since I often ponder this…BUT I do know as excited as I will be to take my sweet boy home, I will miss my new friends in the NICU terribly.

Asher Dale: Slow and Steady wins the race…

As of just a few days ago Mr. Asher officially put the ole’ CPAP to rest, this is after a few failed attempts but none the he kept working at it and now it is no more. He is a big boy with the nasal canula and has been doing AMAZING. He is still having some minor Apena and bacardydia but for the most part he is able to recover on his own and not have his nurses give him little reminders. Asher has been having quite an extended belly which has really been holding him back from increasing his food calorie intakes as well as the possibility of starting to bottle feed. Dr E and Dr B have done test after test but nothing has come up as showing anything but air in his belly, for the most part it does not seem to bother him. They are hoping that after a few more days of being off the Cpap his belly will go down, if not on to more tests. My fingers are crossed that we really are just dealing with too much air in his tummy!

3lb PARTY!!

So I have lots of updating since my last post, I will try and be brief ;-)

My thoughts & Feelings

Love is any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.

The love I hold for my children is unlike any other. Holding them tight, looking into their eyes, kissing their sweet faces, seeing them smile…unlike anything else. More love then one can ever imagine is loving your child.

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

I am filled with Hope…Hope for my children to sleep under the same roof with mommy and daddy watching over them. Hope for their future, health and becoming all they can. Hope for good days and hope for getting over the ones that aren’t so good.


Asher Dale: Growing with strength & wisdom

Since our last post things have gotten increasingly better, we had taken 3 very large steps backwards but have regained those 3 steps in the last 2 weeks. Asher still amazes all of us every day…

Day 33 & 34 ~ I was finally able to hold Asher again right after my last post, he was doing so much better so our nurse Rima (another favorite to add to my list ;-)) decided that I needed to hold him and that Asher too needed his mommy to hold him, I couldn’t have agreed more. The nurses and doctors have somewhat of an understanding that at times they don’t ask permission for things but for forgiveness afterwards. So that is what the plan was and we even got caught, luckily Dr E was ok with it. It was so amazing to get to hold him again; I had missed it so much. Asher tolerated the holding very well and it was hard to put him back to bed. During the hold we started working more on his sucking and swallowing, I used a syringe of breast milk and dropped it into his mouth while he sucked on a pacifier. It is very reassuring that he is getting the sucking motion down.

Day 35 & 36~ Saturday the 16th was my first day not at the hospital; luckily the few days before my first day away were very positive. It made it so much easier to head home and get ready for Saige’s birthday party. We managed to hopefully convince the nurses we are not totally nuts by only calling 4 or so times a day. Having a nurse we love and trust really made a difference though too. But the best news came on Sunday; Asher finally was over 3lbs!! OH YEA!! It was a day of lots of celebrating, our sweet girl was turning 2 and our sweet boy was finally over 3lbs. Mommy and Daddy could not have been happier. This milestone we had been hoping and praying for had finally come and we were with our parents to celebrate. I cried over birthday breakfast, tears of joy and biscuits and gravy!

Day 37~ Asher is finally up to full feeds…no more IV’s and as helpful as you have been Mr IV I am SOOO happy to see you go. Asher has also been doing so well on his CPAP that they decided to give the nasal canula another try. The ability to go off his CPAP is very important; it is showing us that his lungs are getting strong enough to breathe on their own. Getting off the canula is also one step closer to getting to nurse and bottle feed him. The plan is to let alternate between both the canula and CPAP but more letting Asher decide when he needs to be switched back to the CPAP. Such a big boy!

Day 39~ Asher has been doing so great on his nasal canula only having minor apnea (pause in breathing) and bradycardia (drop in heart rate). So well that Nicki (another favorite nurse) suggested we give him a bath…his FIRST BATH!! It might seem a bit odd, but for those who have had the joy of giving your newborn their first bath, you know that this is very exciting. I was so scared that the nurses would give him his first bath without me BUT no they made it very special. He was not overly excited at first but as soon as he relaxed a bit he really enjoyed it. After his bath I dressed him in his “JJ’s”, we had a mini photo shoot for his sissy. Saige loves her “JJ’s” (jammies) and was too excited to see Asher in his. Our day was amazing and just what I needed to go back to work the following day. I knew the day would be hard but knowing that things were going well made the thought of heading back a few days a week that much bearable. Like many other times when I am feeling like we are finally turning the corner and feeling confident that we are making such progress, we experience a setback. Soon after I was on the road headed back to Sandpoint, Asher decided to start having many more of his apnea and bradycardia spells. He was having so many that they put him back on his CPAP. Andy got the call luckily and for me hearing things from him is always better than having the doctor call me. I know this was not a huge step back but none the less we were taking one back.

I made it through my second day away from Asher, it was hard but in my heart I know that this is what I need to do so that when he comes home I can spend time with him. While preparing to go back to work I had been consumed with the thought that my sweet boy would not be held and loved on while I was away. But with some extra help we were able to get permission for my mom to come up to see Asher while we were away, she is even able to hold him. Knowing that he still has someone loving him while I am away makes the day so much better. I know my mom enjoyed her alone time with her sweet grandson and sweet Asher was a good boy and kept his “spells” to a minimum!

Too be continued…. (it is 2:00 am and well I guess I should get some sleep)

Happy Birthday SWEET Saige

Sweet Saige Clarice turned two on January 17th. I can’t believe that sweet girl is already 2, time sure does fly by! We had a snowflake birthday party with lots of good intentions of going sledding but the weather man had another plan so we settled for just hanging out at our house with lots of friends and family. She was too excited to have all her friends and cousins too her house to play. We are so lucky to have family and friends with super sweet kids; they all played so well I couldn’t believe it. Even the big kids are way too sweet and are so good to the little kids. Saige loved being sung to and even clapped her hands at everyone and told them “yea”! Mommy even let her have a piece of chocolate cake…yea I know right! I think all the kids had fun just playing and I think the adults had a pretty good time as well….I know I did!

Saige you are the highlight of all of our lives. You make every day a better day by just being your sweet self. Mommy is so proud of the little girl you are, you are kind, sweet and polite. God has sent me the biggest blessing he ever could have sent by sending me you. There are not enough words to express how much I love you.

Thanks everyone who celebrated my birthday with me, I love you!! Xoxox Saige

3 Steps Back

My Thoughts and Feelings:
I can shed tears over the fact that I came home without my sweet little boy, or I can be thankful that he is in the NICU and under the care of skilled doctors and nurses--which is exactly where he needs to be right now.

I can wish that our holidays would have been "merrier" and that my family could have been together, or I can choose to be thankful for the gift of my sweet little boy and precious little girl and all of our family and friends that have held our hands and given all the words and encouragement we need.

I can stress out about leaving Saige at different places every day so we can go to the hospital, or I can be thankful that she is being loved by grandparents and friends and getting to know them even better.

I can feel like a bad mom for multiple reasons (like not feeling strong enough or not spending enough time with Saige or Asher, feeling like it's my fault Asher came early even though there is no explanation), or I can be thankful for the blessings of children and pray for strength and wisdom to raise them to be amazing.

Asher Dale: Strength to Grow, to Learn

As the doctors had warned many times, our journey in the NICU would be a roller coaster ride. I had been feeling so confident for a while that we were going to skip that ride and just sail through this and go home in record time. I guess that was me being wishful and hopeful, all of things I still am but now I am having to adjust to being on the roller coaster. The last few days have been trying but luckily Andy was here with me to talk with the doctors. With him by my side I am much better at holding it together and not breaking down in front of the staff, I am able to hold it in until they get to the door.

Day 27-29 have turned out to be quite trying for our sweet boy. Friday they had been concerned that he might be getting an infections due to the increased episodes of Apnea but all his blood tests came back negative but were scheduled to re-test on Saturday morning. They also changed out all of his CPAP tubing and such, which seemed to causing some water to back up and go into his nose. This seemed to help his episodes quite a bit; everything seemed more mechanical as opposed to him being sick. Asher blood tests on Saturday showed an increase that he might be getting an infection. Too take precautious measures they started him on 2 different anti-biotics, which was heart breaking to see him now have IVs back in is little body, I was very glad they decide to start them just in case as opposed to watching the levels for a bit. His tummy was also starting to get very bloated and he was not digesting his food as well as he was previously, this could also be a sign of an infection. The decision was made to stop all feedings and start him on IV fluids and nutrients. During this time he also lost 2 oz, that may not seem like a lot but at this point every weight gain is SOOO important and we are far from packing on the pounds at this point. But as the weekend came to an end and my tears dried up, Asher also proved to be the little fighter that we have been thinking he was.

Day 30 was a much better day, but Asher’s red blood cell count was down pretty low. Not low enough to transfuse him but if it went down anymore that would be the next step. Asher’s uncle was ready to give him blood if needed so Asher would not have to get a strangers blood (amazing family we have, so lucky). Our doctor ordered for another lab test on Tuesday checking these levels again, Asher had increased his red blood cell count by over 2pts and so he would not need the transfusion. It was VERY encouraging when Dr B, who is not the touchy feely kind, told me that in majority of preemies born as early as Asher they expect to see infections and blood transfusions at least once if not many times. But he keeps surprising us all!

Day 31 & 32 have been VERY good days. Asher has had less apnea and has even gained some weight without mommy’s food; he is now tipping the scale at 2lbs 13.7oz. I really am having a 3lb party, no joke!! Since things have been going so well Doctor decided to slowly restart his feedings again, my hope is that by the weekend we can hold him again. We have not been able to hold him in over and week, such a heart breaking experience to not be able to hold your newborn but I know they know so I do my best to make the most of it. I spend most days sitting next to his isolate with the lid cracked talking to him and rubbing his back, legs, hands or head. He has really started to take on more traits of an actual newborn, making sweet little noises and is even crying louder and with more umph~ what mommy says she LOVES to hear her baby cry?? Weird I know but it is such a joy that he is maturing enough to cry! The gestational age of Asher is 31 weeks, almost 32 and sucking is something that you have to somewhat teach preemies so we have also been practicing that, he is really starting to get it and it is so cute! Oh yea, I have now officially been broken into being a mommy of a little boy…that little guy went pee pee on his mommy. He got me and his whole bed, pretty funny for Asher’s nurse who got to watch the show.

With a little luck we will get past all these bumps and continue on the road home, to “Idaho” as Saige would say.

Saige Clarice

My beautiful little girl will be turning 2 this weekend, I can’t believe it. She is very excited and knows it is her birthday and sings part of “Happy Birthday”. We are having more of a low key party at home in Sandpoint, the plan was to do some sledding but the weather had made me think of plan B. Not sure what that is quite yet but none the less know we will be having a good day. Last year I did her party on her actual birthday and felt like I barely got to spend any time with her, so this year I planned it for the day before and then on her actual birthday 17th, we will head back to Spokane for some fun! I am going to also see about her getting a peek at Asher, she would be pretty excited. She says his name all the time but now calls him “Asher Dale” and knows he is her brother. Amazing how much a 2 year old can actually understand about what is going on. She amazes me every day and just melts my heart with her kind words and sweet things she does for mommy. I need to take a video of her watching videos of Asher, beyond sweet and loving!

Lots of loves, The Roberts

My Sweet & Amazing Friend

I needed to take the time to share some very sad news, my sweet friend Rachel tragically passed away on Monday.  Rachel was only 18 years old and a freshman on U of I with many academic scholarships, she was an amazing young women.  Rachel was this sweet teenager that I became very close with over the last 3 years, her mom and I worked together. She was truly an amazing girl, she had such drive to do amazing things.  She was unlike any teenager I have ever met and it was truly an honor to have had her be apart of my family.  She will always hold a very special place in my heart.  Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers!
xoxox Amber

Big Sister * Little Brother

My Thoughts and Feelings:
So I once again have not followed through with being a blogger, another week has gone by and I have not blogged. I wish I had some profound reason as so why I have not been sharing but I still feel like I am in survival mode and what gets me from one day to another is still my children. I know I need to be stronger and then more but it seems like all I can do is make it from one day to the next. As with Asher I seem to have good days and bad days but with me it is not the life or death and at the end of the day it is my JOB to be strong for my babies! I say babies, it really is my job to be strong for both of them, they both look to mommy and daddy for so many things. Although Asher depends on more than just mommy and daddy at this point for most everything, I still have to be there emotional and physically for him. My sweet girl, as dependent as she is still needs her mommy and daddy too, through all of this most would think she is just fine but through it all I can see things that most would not see but I am her mommy I know her better than anyone could ever know. She misses her home, her room and her things, she doesn’t know why mommy and daddy don’t sleep in the same bed every night and why she is not in “Idaho” not to mention why “her” baby is not in mommy’s tummy anymore and not with her but I know she will be fine and everything she knows to be normal will once again be normal, but I can’t help but wish she didn’t have to endure all she has.

Me, Us…my wonderful and sensitive husband, my rock. The rock that is hurting and nervous like me, but still holds it together for me, for us, puts up with my emotions neither pleasant nor positive at times. But none the less still loves me like no other could love another and is the most amazing father. My husband is many, many wonderful things but if being an amazing father would win any contest I think he would win, he loves both his children with all that he is and gives all he can give. I could honestly go on and on but to sum it all up, I will say day after day I am SOOO lucky and although I don’t show or say it enough, I truly know I am.
Asher Dale: Bright eyed & perfect
Last week started out as most our Mondays do, rough! But as the week progressed our sweet boy seemed to conquer every obstacle, I like to think it is in his blood. His bily-rubin dropped quickly and by Friday he was off those AWFUL lights, I am not sure why I am so anti light but it just seems so un-comfy and un-homey and for most who know me well know I pride myself in everything at my house being comfortable and my sweet boy wasn’t comfy. But now he is, mommy and GiGi shopped for the cutest and most comfy blankets around to line his bed with and so not only does he have the comfort and smells of his family but they are soft and cozy too (and does he look cute). Asher continued to do well on his Cpap and by Saturday they decided to test him out on the nasal canula, rotating him every four hours between the nasal canula and the cpap. I was excited beyond words…I just spend a wonderful day (pretty much my first away from Asher) helping my WONDERFUL friend Jill find the most amazing wedding dress and my last stop of the afternoon was a few hours with my sweet boy and too my surprise his wonderful nurse Christina (again I know, she is wonderful) had sweet little Asher on his nasal canula and in his jayjay’s (what Saige calls her jammies), first time he had a full outfit on. TOO CUTE, but too funny I was so excited and my mom had stepped out of his room and Christina was at lunch so I freaked out and glowed all alone, but none the less it was beyond words. Over the next few days I was able to see his face, some of swelling went down and for once we were able to see his SWEET beautiful face. He is just so beautiful; my heart just melts at the sight of his big eyes. Looking into those eyes is beyond words and the fact that he will look to me as I speak is just amazing and to think he should just be in my tummy growing and I am actually looking at him and getting to know him already is just amazing! Monday morning brought more good news, we had another ultra sound of his head and the two head bleeds they had seen last week were watered down, I have tried to look this up without much luck so in my UN-medical opinion they are starting to shrink and DR E said that if it put me at ease they would do another ultra sound on Monday but if I was ok with this weeks we would wait a while…hmmm do you think he has already gathered that I am emotional and a bit neurotic? So we of course will be doing another ultra sound this next Monday. But as I was really feeling overly confident that we were not going to have any more down days, late Monday comes and as well as Asher had been doing on his time with the nasal canula, he started to poop out. Monday night was not a good night and Asher had many episodes of apnea and some were so bad that they almost had to put him on a ventilator. I wish I could say that I took it lightly but if we were going to have to take any steps back that would be one of the worst ones at this point. But luckily he recovered and by last night was again doing wonderfully, but is still only on the cpap. Asher has also been gaining weight every day, some days not as much as others but is still adding on the oz’s, I try to keep everything into perspective so 3 lbs is the goal! I think once we reach 3 lbs I am going to celebrate, seems like so little but for us it is such a milestone.
Much love, The Roberts

Strong Boy

My feelings and thoughts:
I think over the last week things have really started to set in for me about having a child who is in the hospital. None of us ever imagine what it will be like to have to go and visit your child in the hospital day after day, make phone calls to check in before you go to bed and first thing you do in the mornings, sleep so little and lightly in fear that you will miss your phone ringing. I never imagined having to do this and then to keep strong and stay positive when all you are is afraid. But just when I am at breaking point or breaking, something wonderful happens that again lifts my spirits and helps me to realize that I have to be strong and positive regardless of hard each day is. Christmas morning was a real breaking point for me, I am not sure what set it off or what happened but all I could do was cry. I just wanted my sweet daughter to spend Christmas with her brother, I wanted my sweet boy in my tummy or home with our family, I didn’t want to be in the hospital celebrating his first Christmas I wanted him to be home. My baby was almost 2 weeks old, I had not held him close to me or kissed his sweet face, we hadn’t snuggled up close and looked into each other’s eyes…why did this happen to us? He is just so sweet and does not deserve to be alone and hooked up to all these machines, I just want you to come home.
Asher Dale: fortuate, blessed, happy
I had intended to start sharing all the milestones we have met, but since today was our first “down” day since he was born I need to start with today. As I was heading to the hospital today, DR E called me to give me an update on Asher…he wanted me to know that Asher was back under the billi rubin lights. Last week his levels were down to a 2 so they removed all the lights and placed him in a different bed, he was also finally able to wear little shirts and be swaddled, we were so excited. But his levels were up to a 9, a level they are able to manage with light therapy but still fairly high (a level of 11 is when there is more concern), although this might not be a huge setback if the therapy works it is still so hard to see your poor baby just lying there under these lights, he looks so uncomfortable. He has grown so used to being all swaddled up and cozy. This was also a setback due to the fact that I had my first skin to skin session with Asher on Saturday, it was the most amazing experience and I was looking forward to sitting with him against me for the most part of today but with the light therapy he is only to be out of the lights for an hour per day. Dr E also heard a bit of a murmur in his heart and ordered an EKG for today, one of our nurses had actually told us she thought she had heard one a few days ago so we knew that this was a possibility. My fear was that the Patent Ductus Arteriosus (PDA) was not or had not closed properly and that he might need surgery or worse. But the good news was that after many hours of waiting, Asher received his EKG and the PDA is closing properly and is almost closed which is part of which is causing the murmur something about the valves echoing off one another so at this point they will not have to do anything but wait to make sure if finishes closing. The last of my super bad day was the third ultra sound of Asher’s head, this time they found 2 head bleeds on each side, the good news was that neither bleed is in his brain and they are level 1 bleeds. Level one is the lowest and is most likely to resolve themselves. He will be rechecked next week and they will continue to watch his head for any growth issues. But the high of the day was that Dr E still allowed me a small amount of skin on skin contact, so for about an hour today I was allowed to have my sweet boy against my chest. Such an amazing feeling. So that was today…
But besides all of that and all the emotions that have been overwhelming me, my sweet little Asher is just such a wonder and he keeps all of us strong and looking forward to a new day. Asher has continued to still surpass expectations. He has started gaining weight YEAAAA, he now weight 2lbs 9oz. He loves his mommy’s milk and as of today they removed his pik line, so no more IV fluids. He has been spitting some up but they seem to think it is due to his cpap causing some excess air in his tummy, at this point the Doctors aren’t concerned so we will just see how is goes. In addition, the best of the best is that we have finally been able to hold our sweet little wonder…I am pretty sure besides the days my children were born and the day I married my husband, this year’s Christmas day was one of the best days ever. It started out as one of the worst and became one of the best, due to Asher’s wonderful nurse Christina. When is was my turn again to see my sweet boy (everyone came to visit on Christmas), I had the shock of my life when there was Christina holding Asher out to me and telling me Merry Christmas, I completely broke down as I held him in my arms, all the emotions that I had been holding in came pouring out but this was what I needed to get through the day, oh man did I ever need to hold that sweet boy. Saturday was also an amazing day, we had our first skin on skin. I was able to hold Asher for over an hour and it was the best feeling for both of us I think. Daddy also held Asher for the first time, the little things that parents take advantage of when you have a healthy full term baby, are now the highlights of our days. Daddy was pretty smitten, as was Asher his oxygen stayed at 100% or close to the entire time he was in daddy’s arms and that was without his Cpap on completely breathing on his own, such a good boy!
Although today was by far the hardest day so far, we have been having many good days. I should feel so lucky that so far our NICU experience has been as good as it can be, besides today. 14 good days to one bad day.
We have new picture of our sweet boy, I will get them posted as soon as possible. Another of our favorite nurses Ginger took picture of Asher while he was in daddy’s arms and printed them out, I will scan and add in the morning.
Xoxox, The Roberts

Our Holiday Miracle

We welcomed Asher Dale to the world on Dec 13th at 8:46 pm. He weighed 2 lbs 7 oz. He came out crying, which was more than relief to all of us. He is truly a miracle and we feel so blessed so have this beautiful little boy join our little family, so early and such a blessing.

Sunday the 13th started out as a typical Sunday, football and normal bed rest day until 2:00 or so when I began having some pains. I of course thought I was just uncomfy and sore from laying in bed for over 3 weeks but the pain became more intense. I called the nurse in and she set me up to the machine to check to see if I was indeed have contractions, but the machine was not showing any contractions. I called Andy and we convinced ourselves that I was not having contractions but he decided to come back up to the hospital just in case. As the pain became more intense I called the nurse again and she had the doctor come in to see me, she decided to check the baby and see if he was head down and thankfully he was. She also checked to see if I was starting to dilate but I was still elongated and cervix was completely closed. Thinking that I might just have an irritated cervix they decided to give me something to calm it down. But also move me into a labor and delivery room. During all this chaos my parents arrived with dinner…they knew I would not be eating the hospital food and my mom had made me my favorite soup, little did they know what they were about to walk into. The pains seemed to go away for a while and we all begun to think I was going to be fine, I was even able to eat dinner. But soon after the pains came back stronger then before and of course this was during the nurse change over time, not good timing on my part. During this entire time they had the contraction monitor on me but not the one that measured B2 heart rate, ummm yea. Our moms were able to find someone to come to the room, although not my nurse he tried to help me and said he would find out about the sleeping pill they wanted me to take. My “NURSE” finally came in and was still working on getting me a sleeping pill, since she said I was not having contractions, rest would be good for me. I asked her if the pain would just go away if I fell asleep… no response. Things only went from bad to worse, I could go into great detail but I get so upset when I talk about it that it is just easier to give the short version. The contractions that they said I was not having went from painful to the worst pain I had ever experienced and needless to say I became another person, I have to say that I think I may have been able to deal with the pain much better if I knew what was going on but I was told over and over that I was not having contractions…the last time the “NURSE” told me I was not having contractions was about 25 minutes before I delivered my sweet little boy, it would have been sooner but they needed me to pretty much cross my legs until the neo natal team arrived. I guess my blood curdling screams convinced her to finally to call the doctor to come and check me, and yes I was having very very hard labor and went from zero to 10 + 3 dilated in a few hours. Luckily our sweet Asher came out crying, they did not have time to set up everything so we are thankful and thankful over and over again.

Asher crying was such a good sign and from that first day has not had to be on a ventilator, which for a baby his age that is a huge accomplishment. He is currently on a nasal cpap, which just reminds him to breath, in the next week or so he should be moving to a nasal prong. This first week has been really really encouraging, the first ultra sound of his brain did not show any signs of bleeding which is by far the best indicator for a baby his age, they will do another one this upcoming week, the last few days they have been introducing breast milk to him every hour and increasing it every 12 hours, this is often a bit hard on such an immature digestive systems but so far Asher has been doing very well with this and is also finally gaining some weight back, as with all babies he lost a few ounces the first few days. During this last week we have slowly become more comfortable with seeing our child with all the wires and such hooked up to him, we have also started to take an active part during his care times. Care times are every 4 hours and during this time they take off his head gear, take his temperature, and change his diaper, oral care with breast milk, among many other things. Although they do some of these things in between those four hours, they don’t take off this head gear which is one of my highlights right now, I get to see my sweet boy. Little Asher is blonde as blonde can be…he has his sisters nose and mouth oh and her big eyes, so Asher pretty much looks like his sister but with very blonde hair. My next favorite participation is changing his diaper; they are the smallest thing I have ever seen. I made sure I took one home for his baby book that I will for sure be breaking out when he is a state champion wrestler and to show his future wife. Oral care is the also high on the list of highs, rubbing breast milk into his mouth on a qtip, he LOVES it!
Within the next few weeks they think we will be able to hold him, he just needs to get past his few spats with apnea (forgetting to breath) that he seems to have a few times a day, I am longing for this time with our baby and from everything I have heard and read this is one of the best things for premature babies.

We have been learning about the process we will be going through with our sweet boy. Although we have been given so much information and have been so over whelmed we have convinced ourselves that we have to just take each day as they are, the little accomplishments are very big during this time. Asher is such a trooper and has proved to be such a strong little guy. Although we are living day to day, we have high hopes for what is to come. We cannot say thank you enough for all the loving thoughts that have been given to our family, we cherish all the loving notes and messages.

Teeter Totter

So it seems like we are now mastering all the emotions of dealing with the ups and downs of our pregnancy. After last weeks positive ultra sound we had 2 that weren’t so good. Last Thursday the fluids were even lower than before, but luckily they spared me the bed pan. B2 continued to do well through the lack of fluid, so well in fact that they decided to perform another ultra sound on Saturday to see if we could take our sweet boy off the continuous monitoring. There is nothing painful about the continuous monitoring, it is more the stress of hearing babies heart beat 24 hours a day…every time it speeds up , slows down or just disappears you get a bit frantic. But the ultra sound didn’t show us an increase in fluid. The ultra sound also left me with me even more uneasiness, they saw some fluid around B2’s heart, they of course told me not to worry. My Doctor really is an amazing man, he has a way of calming and reassuring me but still keeping us informed. He told me not worry that they would take a closer look on Monday on the larger ultra sound machine. Although this helped me get some sleep, I was still worried and started my new worst habit “internet research”. Like my sister in law said, someone needs to take my computer away and block those sites out. They all tend to send you into somewhat of a panic. But like with all the ups and downs I tried to just look ahead and get us to the next day. Monday finally came and I was able to see our sweet boy, I swear he looks like his sister. Same nose, same big eyes…but every time I show the photos of him to anyone they wonder how I can even tell LOL but I get to see it much larger than the little pic. Not only did I see his beautiful little face but also the fluid was up, WAHOOOO and he was active as always. They also did lots of looking at his heart and weren’t too concerned; they said they would just keep an eye on it. After Mondays great day, Tuesday was good our monitoring was scaled back to just 3 or so hours a day. I had the most wonderful nurse who took the time to explain the monitoring strip to me better. The doctors and nurses kept telling me how wonderful B2 looked on the strip, but what does that mean??? So I guess during the monitoring they not only tracking the heart rate but also the variability of the rate, does it go up and down? Can baby control his heart rate if it goes up or down? Also can he keep it fairly steady? Penny (my nurse) told me that they have been getting reads off B2 that were better than most 28+ weeks olds that he was very strong for his gestational age. Happy Mommy & Daddy! But last night my excitement was once again put on the back burner. During the monitoring babies heart rate dropped a few times and didn’t recover as quickly as they like, which considering how he had been going along that was very unusual. They decided to re-hook me up to everything, so late last night my IV was put back in, but for me it was even scarier because they wanted me on oxygen too, I am not sure why that is worse than the IV fluid but it just was. They also continued to monitor the B2 for a few more hours. During the next few hours of monitoring he was fine, just as strong as always so they took me off everything and I was finally able to get some sleep. So far all the monitoring today has been good; I am currently listening to B2 but am of course obsessed at what I am hearing with the fear that something won’t sound right. Today has also brought some other worries but without getting too overly personal (please feel free to ask, just don’t want to totally freak/gross anyone out) that of course led me to the “internet research” , which once again scares me but I am now on the follow the doctors lead before overly panicking and they aren’t overly concerned so until they are I am trying my best to not be either.

Other then the somewhat emotional week, I have been able to see my sweet girl lots this week. She is staying with my parents; they had already planned to have her this week for some Holiday fun before I was in the hospital so she is still doing just that. She has gone to visit Santa and has been helping my mom with some holiday cheer, she also took a GiGi and Pops break today and spent the day with her Gramps. She melted his heart when she came out of his closet with his Homer Simpson slippers on and then she realized they were the same as the ornament, yes a Homer Simpson ornament that makes some sort of noise, grunt maybe, that Saige now imitates. He was very proud, but my mother in law not exactly enthused by the love of her “favorite” ornaments. Saige also got to go to her cousins’ school to pick them up; I bet she loved it as much as they did. My sister in law said it was all they could talk about was that Saige was coming to their School, too sweet! Tomorrow Saige has a play date, she is playing with one of my closest friends growing ups 2 little ones. I am so excited that she gets to play with them, I bet they are just a nice as there mommy and daddy (sadly I have not seen them in awhile).

Over the last 2 ½ weeks I have had so many visitors, it has really been so nice. I have had the chance to catch up with lots of Andy’s family, he has a large family with many aunts, uncles and cousins so it is hard to get to see everyone more than a few times a year but they have been coming to see me which is just the nicest thing ever, I have REALLY enjoyed it! My sister in law and I have been having coffee dates once a week, which is wonderful to actually get to sit and chat without kiddos running around. I have also had friends and lots of our good family friends (like family), including my sisters in laws and family, from Spokane that I don’t see super often come by and of course my visits from my Sandpoint “family” has been wonderful. It really means a lot that people are taking the time out of their busy lives to come see me, really helps make the time pass. I hope everyone knows how much we really appreciate all the visits and well wishes, knowing so many people are thinking about us and our sweet little boy is really such a blessing.

Mastering New Skills

Well the last few days have been filled with many ups and downs…lots of emotion but as we hoped things are again better. On Monday I had my weekly ultra sound, yea I know record amounts of ultra sounds compared to the normal one we usually get with pregnancy. But this time the news was not anywhere to as good as it was before. My fluid levels were down to 3.8 and B2 did not have any pockets of fluid around him greater than 2. I was immediately hooked back up to everything, IV Fluids, Monitors and so forth…I did luckily escape the dreaded pee pee bag (not my friend). I was not allowed to get up, I had to lie down and pretty much not move. I also made a new friend…the bed pan. Yup, I am not kidding around I had to use the bed pan, luckily I mastered it!! It proved itself very interesting but I decided to make it my master mission since I had nothing else to do and with all the liquids being pumped into me I had the opportunity! They were very nervous that B2 would get stressed due to the lack of fluid; we were once again faced with what if they need to immediately deliver and so forth. I had many questions and was pretty much an emotional mess about what would happen next. Luckily I had my wonderful mom, mother in law and a visit from a friend at just the right time to talk through the emotional time. After all the fluids and laying down, I went back for another ultra sound on Tuesday morning, after having the” bad news” ultra sound I went to alone on Monday, this time my dad and mother in law came with me for support. But the news was good, fluid has almost doubled and B2 was still as active as can be. I was now allowed to use the bathroom and take a shower…but am still not too move too much. I think the most encouraging thing is that B2 has always been great; he never varied at all he just kept on as if he had lots of fluid. Doctors were very impressed by his variable heart rate with his brain and keep saying they can’t believe he is only 25 weeks. Since he is still so strong despite all the stress on him, just shows me even that I too can be strong. What a little fighter…

Being a person who has never had any medical issues and now I live in a hospital it has been such a learning experience. I have had some of the most wonderful nurses and then some where you are just like hmmmmmm…so far the best yet has been the nurse I had a few nights ago. When she first got on shift she complained to me about how far I was from the nurses’ station and that all patients that needed this much care needed to be across from the nurses’ station, I said she was lucky she was allowed to walk some of us are stuck laying here. She carried on complaining and since this would be a bed pan night, I told her I would do my best to hold it so she wouldn’t have to come and help me. Such a good night….LOL!! Needless to say I of course had to tell my mother in law about it, who actually knows a lot of the nurses here (she works just the floor below me), so when Nancy came to see me later the next day she counted the steps from the nurses’ station... not only can I see the station from my door but it is like 20 steps from the station. The things that amuse me these days…

Tomorrow will be another ultra sound to measure B2 fluid again, pray for lots!! I will also hopefully get to see Andy and Saige, they have been home. Although hard for me I know in my heart it is best for my little princess to be in her routine and know she misses her Deb Deb and kids when she doesn’t see them. Splitting the week between Sandpoint and Spokane seems like the best answer for now.
Thanks for all the positive thoughts we appreciate it sooooo very much!
Love, Amber

Good News & Not so Good News

Monday’s big hopes of being able to possible go home were quickly shot down after another round of tests. At this point I am here until B2 decides to come...my mom brought me a calendar and according to the calendar and what our doctors are saying no longer then Feb 2nd. Only10 weeks, much better than the thought of my due date. Although not the news I wanted, we have started to adjust to accepting it as what it is, as in normal Amber style I have started to make lists of what needs to be done and what I can be doing and so forth ;-)




BUT the best news, I get to see my sweet little girl now. Due to the H1N1 and being in the high risk area, the rules said no children. First with my sweet hubby's fast & sweet talking ways, he got me wheel chair privileges to leave my room for 30 min a day to see her. But then some rules changed and if she had her H1N1shot, she could come to my room. I was quickly on the phone finding a shot, Sandpoint Pediatrics had the shot, but would not hold one for us to get her back up there (seriously, not too happy). BUT for some miracle of a way, my mom just happens to mention to my Aunt Jenni about the shot, and the doc office across the hall happen to have the shot on Tuesday...she ran over and asked if they had one for Saige and they said they did now, bring her in. So now she can come and see me as much as possible. She has no clue what is going on but none the less was her usual spunky little self...seeing her be SAIGE made things so much better.



I know I always say sisters are the BESST, because well they are: After Andy and Marci took Saige for her H1N1 on Tuesday, they made a little detour to the Airport...you got it, Tara flew in to be with us for a few days. The wonderful hospital were Tara is a resident said she could take a few days off but with the holiday week, getting a ticket was whole other issue but her good friend Ben Ward gave her miles so she could get here, is that not one of the nicest things. I am beyond thankful, having her to explain things even more to me and her support and opinion has helped enormously. Being an ob resident doctor she knows the medicine but she also knows me, which makes such a difference. I am also such a proud sister and tell all our doctors that my sister is an ob doctor too LOL!!
In a nutshell, we are adjusting to life in a bed.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!! Love Amber

Ultra Sound

So far today has been a really positive. After our ultra sound was re-scheduled 3 times we were finally able to see our little guy. The ultra sound gave us lots of positive hope, B2 was bigger than we thought 1lb 9oz and the my fluid levels were around 10.8, a bit lower then Saturday but I guess that is normal in any pregnancy for it to vary that much. They have decided to do another exam and re-test everything; there is some hope that I might be in the small 2% that will re-seal itself. If so, it will truly be a miracle... there is even some hope that I may be able to go home, well more than likely not home home (Sandpoint) but to my parents for a while. We are now just waiting to find out when the next test will be, our fingers crossed that they are able to do it in the next day or so.
I have to say I have always wanted to get a 3D ultra sound, as most of the Sandpoint ladies know we don't get those. Never would have dreamed I would be getting one under these circumstances but none the less it was very cool, but of course the little guy would not turn his face so we could see him. But the most important thing was normal development, 10 toes and 10 fingers. The ultra sound tech gave Andy a bit of a shock for a second; she said he has 4 fingers...as in four fingers and a thumb. We now have new photos of his feet hanging on the hospital wall next to his sister’s picture.
We are still in the waiting game, but things are looking more positive then we could have even imagined. The waiting is hard, but waiting and not being able to see my sweet little girl is pretty much makes the waiting even harder. We are trying to find a way to "sneak" her in some how...luckily my mother in law works here so we may be able to bring her to her office for a quick visit. I have been able to see her sweet face through Skype, she fed me breakfast through the computer and gives me lots of kisses, it is by far the cutest thing. She is just so sweet...but hard for her to understand when we have to say goodbye. She is pretty lucky and has lots of relatives in Spokane who love her dearly, today she spent the day with her Gramps (Andy's dad) and tomorrow she will get a day with her Aunt Mar Mar, who flew in yesterday to be with me (aren’t sisters the BEST???).
We feel very blessed to have so many people who are thinking of us, it means so much.
Hopefully more good news soon...lots of love Andy and Amber

MedStar~

After what has been another easy pregnancy, blessed with the surprising news that we were would be the proud mommy, daddy & big sister to a sweet little boy, things have quickly changed. Saturday morning I woke with some dampness, being on the cautious side we called our amazing friends Nick and Jill to come stay with Saige while we went in to get checked. Being only 23 weeks, we knew that if this was amniotic fluid that would not be good. Things weren't great but still seemed pretty optimistic, Dr Santarpio (the most amazing doctor) thought it would be best to get mommy and B2 to Spokane. MedStar was sent to pick us up, how could this be happening? MEDSTAR????? We are now in the waiting game, the staff at Sacred Heart is so far amazing, and we will wait and hope for the very best for the next 48 hours. We just need our sweet little ACTIVE boy in mommy for as long as possible, and this is the place to make it happen.

This is the most I can write at the moment, more to come... lots of love!!

So the rest of our Saturday turned into information overload, the best news I got my IV and pee pee bag out, YAHOOO!! But on the serious side, we had to make lots of life changing decisions for both our little sweet boy and mommy. We are both at peace with what we have decided and are just praying I don't go into labor so that our little guy has a chance. After talking with the Newborn Specialist, Neo-Natal Specialist and our OB for today Dr Jacobs... we know at this time the best case scenario for me and B2 is sit and wait, day by day, but in terms of our little one we need to make it at least another week for him to have a chance of survival. BUT the good news, i had another ultra sound (yup, still a boy ;-)) and my amniotic fluid is increasing, when I left Sandpoint it was at a 6, first arrived in Spokane 7.3 and by last night it was 11.2 although i have still been leaking a little it just shows how strong (how could he not be, being half Hulbert & half Roberts) our sweet little boy. This gave me so much encouragement that I actually slept a few hours!! The newborn specialist was happy and very optimistic with the 6 & 7 levels, can't wait to see what he says about the 11.

At this point I am not going any where soon, as long as my fluid stays at a level where B2 can continue to grow without any issues I will be sitting in this bed for as long as he lets it be possible. yea i know, who can actually imagine me on bed rest. BUT I will get used to it and make the most of it and pray work can figure something out for me to do from darn hospital bed, my booty is already sore. I have asked Andy and my mom to bring me hand weights so I can do arm workouts and my sewing machine, might was well be some what productive.

Well i gotta go and get ready for a hot date with my hubby...SEAHAWKS in a hospital bed!!

Good Intentions

So I had REALLY good intentions of blogging and have already dropped the ball, but maybe I can redeem myself and get back on track. I imagine the most logical place to start would be a recap of the last few months....
January:
The princess turned 1 and did we ever have a party! I am not sure if she had as much fun as mommy & daddy but she was the star of the party. She was so lucky all her friends from Sandpoint came to Spokane and even her cousins from California came. It was a pretty special day and Andy and I were so excited, this was by far the BEST year of our lives!

Welcome 2009

What a year 2008 was, I guess we all must say that at the end of every year but for the Roberts this has been quite the year. Last January we welcomed our beautiful little girl Saige Clarice into the world...she came out smiling and has not stopped since. We really are blessed with the easiest baby. My hope are for all of our family & friends who we don't get too see quite as often as we like to be able to share in the happenings of our life up here in Idaho!